I naturally stopped drinking alcohol 9 months ago.
I wasn't what is classified as an alcoholic, but I did have phases of regularly drinking during school and college. For the past two years, I had been drinking less, but still around 2-4 times a month. Like many, whenever I went out, I would have at least one drink, usually a beer. I had normalized drinking in any social event, despite having had some very unpleasant experiences with alcohol.
During the pandemic, I drank a lot... One day I had such a terrible hangover that I vomited all day and had tremors. I thought I was going to die. That's when I said the classic: "I'm never drinking again," something I had said many times before. But this time, something had changed. Although I didn't completely stop drinking, I started drinking much less, dreading the thought that I could make myself have such an awful next day.
From then on, there were months when I didn't drink anything, and if I did, it was only wine or beer. Those months allowed me to notice the effects alcohol had on me, effects I hadn't perceived before because my body was so accustomed to social drinking. After months of not drinking, if I did have something, I felt the slight headache that I might not have noticed before. I also noticed that my thoughts were more anxious the next day.
When COVID started, I moved back to Chile and I only liked going out in Berlin, so I didn't have many parties here. And when I did have plans, they were with close friends, which made it chill for me to experience without alcohol.
Last European summer, I returned to Berlin after 3 years. I started going out frequently, just like I used to. It was summer, life was on the streets, vodka mate drinks at open-air parties, beer at the "späti," at the lake, or in the park with good conversations were a must, essential elements to complement the atmosphere.
In Berlin, I allowed myself the indulgences of the past and had a blast!
On my last weekend, I wanted to experience going to a club without drinking, or at least without being tipsy. I went to Berghain - one of the world's most famous clubs known for its difficulty of entry, exceptional sound system, and non-stop lineup of incredible DJs from Saturday to Monday. Love a good night out with great music and dear friends. During the 14 hours I spent there, I had only one beer.
We entered around 1 pm and headed to the dance floor. After about 5 minutes, I thought: "Okay, the music is good, but what else? What am I going to do here for as long as I used to?"
And I even thought to myself,
"How am I going to let go and dance without the 'permission slip' that alcohol gives?"
I answered myself:
"Step by step, give it time, just like with everything else."
Just like when I tried to skateboard, and after the first minute of not being able to even move a cm., I wanted to give up, but I continued and in less than 20 minutes, I was already covering long distances.
At first, things can feel awkward, but if we go beyond the labels and discomfort, we reach freedom.
With that understanding, I kept on dancing, and suddenly it was 3 am and I was sweating, not having stopped dancing, meeting people, and having fun. I ended the night moving non-stop, feeling the vibrant energy of the entire Panorama floor, dancing to the tracks of the best DJ I've ever heard, Sedef Adasi. I didn't feel again the desire to drink more that day.
In the evening, I felt hungry at Berghain for the first time. Since I hadn't ignored my body's signals, I knew I wanted to eat, so I had a delicious smoothie and a sandwich for energy.
It was quite an internal journey. I slept like a baby and woke up the next day as usual but with even more energy. Never felt like that before after a night out!
I went to India after. Drinking never even crossed my mind there; there were too many things happening all the time to numb my senses even slightly. The few times I did drink, the taste was bad and I could feel the impact it had on my body and mind. I didn't forbid myself, but I decided not to drink more because why would I, if it didn't even taste good.
After 8 months of traveling, I returned to Berlin, and that's when the real challenge came. In my experiment, I wanted to be completely sober all the time. I wanted to experience what it was like to not drink at the park, during meals, at bars, or in clubs – to dissociate alcohol from all the different moments.
I arrived and on the same day went back to Berghain. It was a bit disorienting to transition from the sober parallel universe I had been in (India) to the techno mecca of drugs and alcohol.
I went in and headed to the bar, really wanting a drink, but I rationalized it and told myself: "Sit with the discomfort and go through it" (this post was born from this moment).
I bought a pomegranate juice. I had never paid for juice in a club before. Since then, whenever I go out, I buy something tasty to try (non-alcoholic). I didn't do it before because I thought it was too expensive, but when it was alcohol, I didn't even consider the price.
Then I thought, well if I'm not drinking, I can smoke.
I told myself the same:
“Sit with the discomfort and go through it”
And that's how I played with it the whole night, every time the thought came up. I realized that the desire came when I felt uncomfortable or slightly anxious, normal emotions that come and go (specially in a place filled with so much energies).
It's normal for me not to feel 100% comfortable when I'm in a new place or in a new situation. I gain confidence as I spend time in that place. Alcohol allowed me to eliminate that feeling. With it, I covered up any uncomfortable feeling, no matter how mild. I judged myself for being awkward and masked it, not realizing that if I was, it didn't affect anyone but me due to my own judgment.
In this society, we are taught to suppress unpleasant emotions, to fear them. This leads us to evade them, and, as a consequence, they often become much larger than they were initially. Sometimes, emotions simply need to pass by, to be acknowledged and experienced. They might come to show us something in their own language, but our fear of them causes us to bury them, and they resurface in other ways. Alcohol is a substance that is harmful to the body, yet it's considered normal to consume it.
I practiced facing the cravings each time they arose, and within a few minutes, they would pass. This time, I stayed for 10 hours at the club, even though the music wasn't as good. Since then, I never go to a club unless I know the music will be great. I also don't spend as much time in places I don't enjoy fully.
The challenges continued on the streets. I walked by bars and the desire to sit with a friend and have a chat with a beer crossed my mind. I went to meals where I used to always have a drink, bars with friends, and at the beginning, the craving would hit me. I did the exercise I did at Berghain, and within a few seconds, the urge dissipated. I started doing many of the things I used to do in Berlin with a casual beer, but this time without alcohol.
I went to Barcelona, a place known for tapas and drinks, and it was the same. The only challenge was the first minute after I saw or did something that I associated with drinking. Every time I feel like having a drink and I don't, I distance myself more from alcohol.
I had associated drinking with having a great time socially, because yes, I've had very entertaining moments that I wouldn't change for anything. But in this phase of my life, without it, I have just as much fun, I connect even more with myself, and I don't harm myself.
While I don't prohibit myself from drinking, I decided not to do it unless I truly want to enjoy it, for the taste and the experience itself, not because it's what everyone does, or because I unconsciously want to suppress a feeling. Up to now, that moment hasn't arrived.
There's still a charm in imagining myself with an Aperol spritz in Italy, a cold beer on a hot summer day, accompanying a Halloumi sandwich in Berlin, or enjoying an exquisite glass of wine with cheese in Paris, or talking about the depths of life. Who knows, maybe I'll do it, but it will be because I want to, for the taste, for the moment itself, not because I feel like I "should" do it.
In the end, it's not so much about the substance itself, but about your relationship with it. Clearly, my relationship with alcohol wasn't healthy, even though it was considered normal (let's question what's normal!).
These months have helped me embody the knowledge I already had: alcohol inhibits my instincts and suppresses them for more than just the day I drink. We all want to feel good. For me, that means being very conscious of my body, my feelings, and the planet. It means being in touch with my intuition, and alcohol clouds that. I want to see everything clearly.
I believe the human body is perfectly capable of experiencing natural ecstasy, but we've normalized numbing our senses with things like alcohol, processed food, cigarettes, and phones, doing what we're told to do.
This journey of not drinking alcohol has shown me the various ways in my life that I try to mask discomfort and has encouraged me to expose myself to it. I had a fantastic time drinking, dancing, and singing with friends and family, but the empowerment I feel doing the same things without alcohol is incredibly rewarding. Each time I do it, it's like I'm crossing a threshold, letting go more and connecting with my most authentic and free self.
GUIDING QUESTIONS THAT REMAINED FROM THIS EXPERIENCE
Why am I doing what I'm doing?
What aspects of my life aren't aligned with the life I desire? Why do I continue doing them?
What need am I trying to fulfill through my actions?
Do I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling? What do I distract myself with to avoid feeling?
What do I really want to do? Why am I not doing it?